When They Go Low, I Aim For The Nut Sack

I can’t count how many times I’ve been called a baby-killing commie by right-wingers who don’t understand the difference between pro-choice and pro-abortion, much less communism and socialism. Hell, despite worshipping at its altar, most of them don’t even understand the basic tenets of capitalism, though to be fair said ignorance is hardly surprising in a country where only 3% of universities mandate passing a basic economics class in order to graduate. 

As I wrote in a previous piece, capitalism and socialism are not mutually exclusive. Quite the opposite, capitalism needs socialism in order to survive and thrive over the long haul. Attempting to explain the symbiotic relationship between the two to a Trump supporter feels bizarrely akin to trying to explain why you should look both ways before crossing the street to an irate, whiny toddler who could give a damn and thinks you’re just a “dumb poopy-head”. In other words, it’s pointless. 

Pointless or not (and it is most definitely pointless) my masochist self keeps pleading with my pragmatic self to try, try again. And so I do—and I do it knowing I’ll either be dismissed as a coastal elitist who thinks I’m better than everyone else or I’ll be barraged with an unsophisticated, poopy-head level of boring, overdone name calling. (Seriously Cult 45ers… surely you must have something in your arsenal other than “libtard” and “snowflake”?) 

I always try to bring my pro-socialism arguments down to a level even the rigidly dogmatic and woefully underexposed to any viewpoint not their own can understand. Nevertheless, those conversations rarely go well. They typically look something like this:  

White Guy With Persecution Complex: “This is a capitalist country! If you want commie socialism go move to China. I want to keep my hard-earned money rather than pay for deadbeats!” 

Me: “China is a communist country. I don’t want to live in a communist system.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "Whatever! The point is communism is like socialism and both are un-American and will never be accepted here so get used to it!” 

Me: “This republic is already a socialist democracy so your statement is false.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "Bullshit! You’re an idiot!” 

Me: “We aren’t a model one like Germany or the Scandinavian countries, but we are nevertheless a socialist democracy.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "You’re just stupid!” 

Me: [getting irritated] “Do you support the military? Police? Firefighters? Libraries? Well probably not libraries—bad example for someone of your intellectual capacity. What about having roads to drive your ‘shit-kickin pickup truck with oversized wheels’ down?”  

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "I’m proud of my pickup! It’s American made! And the military is not socialism, retard!” 

Me: [resists urge to point out the unlikelihood of his truck being American made] “Military, fire, and police are, in fact, socialist systems. Just like with welfare, we pay taxes to the federal government to pay for communal benefits we all rely upon to be there when needed.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "I don’t need welfare! Get a fucking job!” 

Me: [teeth gritting] “I guarantee you at some point in your life you or one of your family members will benefit from it if you haven’t already! But people like you always—without fail—think they and their families are the exception and that everyone else is a freeloader. And you believe that because you’ve been brainwashed into believing it by the GOP. They never use the blasphemous S word (socialism) to describe the military or police because the military and police benefit the wealthy by keeping a barrier between the cockroaches—you know, you and me—and the possessions of the elite class. But the stuff that doesn’t benefit the wealthy? Those are the parts of socialism the GOP labels ‘commie’.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "Well I don’t want to pay for welfare!” 

Me: “I don’t want to pay for military spending (read: billionaire defense contractors) but it is what it is for the moment.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "Stupid fucking libtard! Go back to your safe space and read a book!” 

Me: [licks fangs] “Safe space? 😏 We liberals aren’t the ones trying to turn the United States into one big thumb-sucking safe space by banning Muslims because little old ladies wearing hijabs make us go pee-pee in our pants-pants!” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "We’re not scared of old ladies! The men are the ones to worry about!” 

Me: “But you claim to be the alpha males of the USA. Liberal men don’t cower in fear over Muslim men. 😨 I guess that makes you conservatives the beta males.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "Go fuck yourself!” 

Me: “Maybe later. And then there’s the big, bad wall…” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "You’ll thank us for that one day!” 

Me: “Yeah, all those Mexican people pretending to seek a better life as they brandish a leaf blower in one hand and a rosary in the other. So scary.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "They also bring in drugs, libtard!” 

Me: “Well you won’t have to worry about that once the wall is built. The USA will become Skull Island—cowering Americans on one side and terrifying Latinos on the other. Maybe we should fling virgins over the wall every Cinco de Mayo as an offering to the Almighty Kong—errrr—El Chapo.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "Whatever! You’re just talking shit because you feel triggered!” 

Me: [bored and ready to move on] “Do I laugh now or later? I am untriggerable, oh triggered one.” 

White Guy With Persecution Complex: "You’re triggered! Admit it! Hahahaha!!!!!” 

Me: “Whatever helps you believe your micro-penis is large. You’re boring me now, window-licker. Later, delicate petal.” 

Reasoning With A Member of Cult 45: Where’s The Xanax? 

Remember: I never claimed those conversations went well. As much as I wish I could successfully emulate Michelle Obama, I am currently incapable of taking the high road. When they go low, I reach for the gonads and twist. 

Once upon a time I could resist “going there”, but today I don’t even try. I think I am so over hearing about the woe-is-me-forgotten-white-man that I’m hard-pressed to drum up anything akin to giving a shit. There exists, after all, plenty of struggling white men who did not vote for the racist, misogynist, xenophobic, toxically divisive Trump. 

Those are the men whose backs I’ll have when they need me: the ones who chose “we” over “me”, the ones who believe black lives matter, that women should own their own bodies, and who recognize the GOP’s strategy of conquering through division for what it is. As to the members of Cult 45? 

Come here and have a seat. I think you’ll find the chair I provide as comforting and non-threatening as the country you gave me.

Questions or Comments?

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Episode #7: Conservative White Men Are The New Special Snowflakes

The Hypocrisy of Angry White Men

#FormerHomeOfTheBrave

Attention Angry White Men: You lost the non-hypocritical ability to make fun of any woman's "safe space" the moment you decided to turn the USA into one YUGE therapy blanket. Feeling triggered by the little old hijab-wearing lady down the street? Does the Special Snowflake have a mental boo-boo? Awww. I'd say to find a liberal who cares, but yeah... we don't. Our bleeding hearts have turned to ice where Republicons are concerned.

Pot, Meet Kettle: Angry White Man, Meet Special Snowflake

CAWMs (Conservative, Angry White Men) have spent the last few years of their online lives cyber-harassing women and minorities for suffering from what they like to call Special Snowflake Syndrome. While some of their original grumblings about over-the-top PC culture were arguably justified (social justice warriors are hypocritical bitches!), their collective resentment slowly extended over time to CAWMs hating on everyone who dared to speak truth to real injustice.

I'll be honest: a hardcore lib I may very well be, but when this fallout first started even I had reached the point of being irritated by (a) everyone claiming a minority status even if they were not minorities and (b) said minority-wannabes constantly trying to out-victim each other. Add into that face-palm-fest the hyper-vigilance of social justice warriors who were waiting in the wings to viciously attack any hapless person who mistakenly referred to a disenfranchised group member by the wrong politically correct term du jour, and... BAM. Shit got real.

So, yes, in the beginning I was an admitted CAWM-sympathizer. I was sick and tired of white men not being allowed to share their opinions online without SJWs snarkily dismissing their contributions as man'splaining and/or white'splaining. I stood up for these guys, much to the chagrin of many, and took heat for doing so. To real feminists, though, and not the online psychos that appropriated the term and its meaning, the exchange of ideas and viewpoints is a good thing. Listening to the experiences of others—especially members of one's out-group—helps all of us toward better understanding of and communication with each other. Unfortunately, the sympathy I was experiencing for conservative, angry, white men was to be short-lived. 

Similar to how authentic liberal feminists were outshouted by fanatical fringers calling themselves liberals, what I now recognize to be the alt-right (a.k.a. white nationalists) began outshouting authentic conservative men. In both cases, the extremes tended to be viewed by the opposition as the majority instead of as the political leeches they were and are. The problem being, I didn't—and still don't—see conservative white men (minus an exception of literally ONE) distancing themselves from their parasites. 

Before long, everybody was a special snowflake... at least according to the alt-right who were the only conservative men speaking up. Amidst conservative silence, they took their fanaticism against minorities to intolerable extremes. Worse, because genuine conservative men weren't calling bullshit, the alt-right disease continues to spread as insidiously as a computer virus. I never thought I'd see the day where seemingly nice white people always—without exception—explained away the executions of black men and youth by police. I never thought I'd see the day where seemingly patriotic white Americans embraced Russia and Putin as some sort of sick savior. I definitely never thought I'd see the day where fundamentalist white Christians who have been taught all their lives to protect the Jewish people would start the Jew-blaming rhetoric racists embrace.

The most nauseating example of this normalization of prejudice within the conservative party is the wholeheartedness with which they have embraced the continual demonization of George Soros. Seeing that bigotry expressed in hate-media every day has taken its toll on me. It has radicalized me. It has made me a less tolerant person overall. It has pushed many liberals and minorities further away from a white America that now disgusts us. George Soros, you see, is more than Hillary Clinton's friend and ally; Mr. Soros is also a beloved philanthropist, an elderly man, and a Holocaust survivor. For the last reason alone, NOBODY has the right to impugn his character. He is old, he has suffered much, and he is off limits.

Conservative angry white men are so busy living up to the angry part that they have become the very thing they hate most: special snowflakes. And make no mistake about it: they are the social justice warriors of special snowflakiness, the imaginary victims who demand to be heard.

"This is my country!"

No more than it is mine.

"Everything's rigged against white people!"

Yeah. I'm sure it's tough to make more money for equal work and not get executed by police at traffic stops. Let me fire up my violin to set the appropriate mood for your whiny ass... 

"Why can't I use the word nigger if black people do?!" 

Nigga is not nigger. And you still can't use it without a pass. *face palm*

"Go back to your country!" 

We're in it. Whether our ancestors were dragged here in chains or came in search of a better life, this country belongs to all of the colors of people within it. Don't like it? Too bad. Go to a seance and take it up with your dead grandpappy eight times removed.

Dear CAWMs, you are no longer distinguishable from the monster you chase. Wake up and take your politics back before it's too late.